If you are initiating sex -

It’s really important that if you decide to have sex with someone that they are comfortable with it. Consent must be obtained for any type of sexual activity, as well as each sexual encounter. Don’t forget, giving consent to oral sex, for example, does not mean consent has been given for vaginal or anal sex. You might think it is awkward if in the middle of things, you stop to check with your partner, but a moment of awkwardness could save you a lifetime of bother – and, frankly, it’s just good manners!

It’s important to remember, that either of you can stop at any time. Your partner might give consent at first, but if they change their mind or ask you to stop, then continuing is regarded as rape. You must respect the wishes of your partner, no matter how frustrating you might find it!

You also must ensure that you do not coerce your partner into giving consent. If they have said ‘no’ ten times, then the one time they do say ‘yes’ would not be considered true consent. No means no, and pressuring your partner into saying ‘yes’ is still rape.

It’s also essential that you receive consent every time you have sex with your partner – whether it is the first time or the fiftieth. Just because you are in a long-term relationship, does not mean that the other person owes sex to you. If they are not in the mood, then they have the right to not give their consent.

Consent must be given freely, willingly and by someone capable of giving consent for themselves. If someone is extremely inebriated, they may not be in a condition to truly consent – even if they seem up for it at the time. If they become less responsible or pass out during, you must stop and check on them! If they are asleep or unconscious, they cannot give consent and no sexual activity should be engaged in unless clearly negotiated well in advance.

Silence, or the absence of the word ‘no’, doesn’t mean someone has given consent – a clear, affirmative, freely-given ‘yes’ is the only thing that completely indicates consent. Sometimes, victims and survivors are frozen with fear and unable to speak.

If you are initiating sex, it is so essential for you to be 100% sure that your partner is comfortable and engaged in the activities.

If your partner is initiating sex -

If your partner is the one initiating, it is essential that you only give consent if you truly want to take part. Feel confident in saying ‘no’. Saying ‘no’ to a request can often leave us with negative emotions, guilt for saying ‘no’, awkwardness, embarrassment. In a relationship, it can be even harder to say ‘no’ when there are so many conflicting emotions involved. So how do you let someone down gently but firmly?

Your immediate feelings will usually tell you whether you want to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to a request; your gut instinct is there for a reason so listen to your gut!  If you feel the answer should be ‘no’ don’t be pressured into changing your mind.

If you are not sure what you are being asked to do ask for clarification. Saying yes generally might mean agreeing to something you weren’t aware of or wouldn’t have agreed to, e. g. sexual intercourse rather than oral sex. Be clear from the start what you are prepared to do.

Nobody else can say ‘no’ for you in a relationship; you can’t refer this one to your line manager. You have to be brave enough to say ‘no’ and stand by your decision.

Whilst it might sometimes be kinder to let people down gently, when we are discussing sex and consent issues there is no room for indirect or euphemistic conversation. The answer has to be clear. If it is ‘no’, then say ‘no’!

Make it clear that you are refusing the current request, not rejecting the person or the relationship. If this relationship is healthy, with someone who genuinely cares for you, then you will survive the odd ‘no’ along the way.

Saying ‘NO’ and surviving the guilt gets easier with practice.

Remember:  When you say no to something you don’t want to do, you are saying ‘yes’ to yourself, acknowledging your own importance and taking control. Nobody has the right to lay hands on you without your consent.